Posts Tagged ‘Feelings’

Last night I had a full blown anxiety attack and I’m still trying to figure out why?? By the end of the day my body is overtaken by an overwhelming sense of tension in my upper chest and throat, as if I’m drowning in my own crazy thoughts. The problem is… I have no idea what is causing the anxiety, I feel happy (I think). This happens almost every day for me now but last night it got the best of me and I lost it. I must get to the bottom of this! When people look at me they have no idea much anxiety I’m carrying around. I look “normal” and happy, if they only knew! How many people walk around every day with similar feelings but hold it in? Everyone has their own battle, you just might not know what it is. – XOXO CrazyInHeels

I’ve been busy working around the house this weekend. Sometimes that’s just as exhausting as running around all day. I’m getting better at slowing down and saying no so that I can take time for me and relax in order to bring my thoughts and feelings back to a slower speed. Being “crazy” has forced me to take a closer look at my life and adjust accordingly. I’m at a point where things are good. I’m able to get out of bed and feel as though I have a purpose. My thoughts are usually positive but I still struggle with anxiety, I’ve GOT to take control of my thoughts. It will happen! I’m here in this moment and excited that today is good for me. I’m starting to find that middle ground somewhere between Manic & Depressed. My depression has subsided & the grief from the loss of manic is passing. I’m happy being in the middle as close to normal as I can get - XOXO CrazyInHeels

I’ve successfully made it through shopping, wrapping, baking, being a maid of honor in a December wedding followed by Christmas the week after without ending up in the psych ward, yay! Now I just need to conquer New Years and moving. I took a lunch today and ran to the store to buy a new pair of heels to match my dress for New Years, so that put a smile on my face. When I was walking back to my car I started to think about my mood. I feel like I’m here but that I don’t have the full range of emotions that I’ve had before… I mean what girl doesn’t get super excited after buying a new pair of  heels?!  I’m not easily excited and I’m definitely not depressed, thank goodness. I’m here but I feel bland. Is this just something we deal with because if we don’t take our meds we lose it? Will I feel like this forever or is my body still adjusting to my new meds? I miss the total crazy days when I would wake up at 5:00 AM with out the alarm clock and be super excited about the day. A therapist once told me that no matter how good those hypo mania feelings were it still wasn’t a normal feeling… damn it, I really like those feelings! I have the next four days off so I’ll be all around town running errands, shopping, socializing, celebrating New Years, packing, moving and hopefully I’ll end up relaxing with a great glass of wine at some point. A girls gotta kick up her heels once in a while.  – XOXO CrazyInHeels

I wish I could feel for one day what it would be like to NOT have such a “crazy” mind. What do normal people think about with so much rational thinking going on… how boring?! If I try to rationalize myself out of a situation I find that I’m in worse shape than when I started. My mind is not capable of the steps involved towards a rational decision. Mine are based on emotions. I’m an emotionally charged CrazyInHeels girl. I try to step back and understand the feelings I have so that I don’t unleash on someone. Please remember that when you’re down your not yourself. You’re very sensitive, irrational, emotional, and combative. Learn to recognize the feelings that your body is going through so that you can handle them in a more productive manner. The more you pay attention and tune into your body the better off you’ll be. Talk to a therapist, read books, check out informative websites, and join a chat group with others that are “crazy’ so you can better understand your “crazy” self. Embrace who you are and consider yourself lucky that you get to experience life with more emotion and feeling then someone that is normal. – XOXO CrazyInHeels

My body is tired even though I slept for ten hours last night. Just a few weeks ago I could run all day on three hours. I received an email from a friend and it made me tired just to think about my response. I’ve had three caffeinated beverages and my eyes are still half way shut. All the life has been sucked from my body. I try to go through the motions but it wears me down. All I want to do is sleep with the hope that when I wake up I’ll be back to normal, so far I’ve been let down every morning. I try to keep my positive thoughts in place. Life can be hard when you’re crazy, the all dreaded horrible mood is inevitable, but if you educate yourself and consult your therapist you will learn that there are things you can do to help yourself. For instance, I don’t have any major converstationss with my fiance that have to do with major life changes i.e. wedding decisions, where we’re going to live, financial decisions, etc. I’m fully aware that I’m crazy, sensitive, and irarional at the current moment so I’m not even going to attempt a serious conversation. I also know that I’m highly combative so if I start to get mad at someone I try to take a step back and put those feelings on hold so that I can deal with them once these “crazy” feelings subside. Since I’ve communicated to those closest to me that I’m feeling very “crazy” right now, they are more prepared to deal with me when I’m mad, sad, angry, frustrated, crying… etc. I’ve made an appointment with my doctor to review my meds, getting sleep, and taking time for my myself. These are all things that I can control to help get me back to me, I’m just going to have to hang on till I’m back to me. – XOXO CrazyInHeels

The following excerpt was taken from “New Hope for People with Bipolar Disorder” written by Jan Fawcett, M.D., Bernard Golden, PH.D., and Nancy Rosenfeld (pg 17)

“Kay Jamison writes about her own experience with the illness. “I honestly believe that as a result of it I have felt more things, more deeply; had more experiences, more intensely; loved more, and been more loved; laughed more often for having cried more often; appreciated more… seen the finest and most terrible in people, and slowly learned the values of caring, loyalty, and seeing things through… But, normal or manic, I have run faster, thought faster, and loved faster than most I know… It has made me test the limits of my mind.

Extremes of emotions are a gift-the capacity to be passionately involved in life, to care deeply about things, to feel hurt; a lot of people don’t have that. It’s the transition in and out of the highs and lows, the constant contrast that fosters creativity. Impairment, the inability to function normally, does not occur until after the hypomanic stage has progressed into full blown mania.”