» Cry

One Step Forward Two Steps Back

Nicole — Fri, 16 Apr 2010 20:52:45 +0000

I’m being whipped around in a medication frenzy. I’m removing one, taking a new one, lowering the other one… boy oh boy. I cry for no reason at random times. I had to run out of work yesterday because my emotions took over. I’m frustrated right now! I feel like I have so much to be happy for, so many good things in my life and I know I’m happy, but I don’t feel happy. Does that even make sense?! Apparently that’s what a mood disorder is, and I’m so lucky to have been blessed with one… Lucky me! For now I’m working through the feelings and taking some time for me. I have to get back to “normal” ASAP! – XOXO CrazyInHeels

Cheerful Moments

Nicole — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 17:32:09 +0000

I can’t believe how much one little pill can affect my life. I finally feel like I’m happy. Not a fake happy, a real happy that comes from within. I’m finally at peace with losing my Grandma. I miss her dearly but have allowed myself to walk through the grieving process. When I take a moment to remember and let myself cry if I need too, I feel better. My new med is helping me regulate my emotions. I wake up in a good mood and stay in a good mood. Life will bring happy days, sad days, disappointing moments and cheerful moments but I feel like I’m fully capable of dealing with whatever comes my way. – XOXO CrazyInHeels

Working Through My Emotions

Nicole — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 23:04:59 +0000

I’m not going to say that I’m feeling 100% better than Friday but I’m making progress. I went to my Grandpas for dinner last night and when I was faced with the flooding of emotional sadness and grief for my Grandma as I walked in, I embraced the feelings and took a minute away from everyone to cry. I’m starting to feel like some of the tension held up in my body from all of these emotions is finally escaping. Every time I cry I feel like I take one step closer to life without anxiety and the lump in my throat. I’ve pushed these feelings deep down for too long! I’ve been on a new med (Saphris) for almost a week now and feel like my overall mood is beginning to lift. I felt like I was stuck on an emotional rollercoaster that kept flying right past the stopping point, no one was in control. I feel a little foggy in the morning and sometimes feel like I’m lucky I can find my way to work :p but other than that it seems to be doing the job (without the weight gain!). For now I’mstrolling through every day (in heels of course) with a renewed sense of happiness because of the new meds and my ability to finally allow myself to grieve. – XOXO CrazyInHeels

Grieving

Nicole — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 18:23:20 +0000

Honest opinion about how I’m feeling today… sad!!!I miss my Grandma!!! I had a breakdown last night and finally had a good emotional cry, six months later. I’ve now realized that everyone has their own grieving process and there is no right or wrong way to do it or or when to do it. I’m allowing myself to feel the emotions, no matter how painful, and cry when it comes. I can’t always be strong and I need to learn how to lean on others when I need support. I think that being Bipolar has numbed me to allowing myself to feel some emotions because I try to keep some of them at bay so that I don’t lose it. For the most part I’m full of such extreme emotions on a day to day basis that it’s hard to determine what is real and what is the disease creeping in??? I miss her and that’s normal, crying is normal, sadness is normal, regret is normal, “what if” is normal, questioning is normal. So my conclusion for now… I’m sad today but it’s not a “crazy” sad it’s a healthy sad. – XOXO CrazyInHeels

Taking Control Of What I Can

Nicole — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 20:24:38 +0000

My body is tired even though I slept for ten hours last night. Just a few weeks ago I could run all day on three hours. I received an email from a friend and it made me tired just to think about my response. I’ve had three caffeinated beverages and my eyes are still half way shut. All the life has been sucked from my body. I try to go through the motions but it wears me down. All I want to do is sleep with the hope that when I wake up I’ll be back to normal, so far I’ve been let down every morning. I try to keep my positive thoughts in place. Life can be hard when you’re crazy, the all dreaded horrible mood is inevitable, but if you educate yourself and consult your therapist you will learn that there are things you can do to help yourself. For instance, I don’t have any major converstationss with my fiance that have to do with major life changes i.e. wedding decisions, where we’re going to live, financial decisions, etc. I’m fully aware that I’m crazy, sensitive, and irarional at the current moment so I’m not even going to attempt a serious conversation. I also know that I’m highly combative so if I start to get mad at someone I try to take a step back and put those feelings on hold so that I can deal with them once these “crazy” feelings subside. Since I’ve communicated to those closest to me that I’m feeling very “crazy” right now, they are more prepared to deal with me when I’m mad, sad, angry, frustrated, crying… etc. I’ve made an appointment with my doctor to review my meds, getting sleep, and taking time for my myself. These are all things that I can control to help get me back to me, I’m just going to have to hang on till I’m back to me. – XOXO CrazyInHeels

Reaching For Happiness

Nicole — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 03:18:29 +0000

Today I feel like there’s hope for my mood to return to a somewhat “normal” status. I know the good mood is there and I can ALMOST reach out and grab it. The meds are kicking in. Just the feeling of kowing that I’m close is what’s getting me through the day. I meet with my doc in a couple of days to adjust my meds and I know it’ll be even better after that. I wish I could run right into my her office and get an IV of meds shot right into veins for instant happiness. If only it were that easy! I know it sounds cliche but I’ve lost interest in the things that I love, I’m sad, I cry for no reason, I sleep all the time, I’m not talking to my friends, I’m tired and have no energy. I’ve crashed into depression and am trying to climb my way out of it. – XOXO CrazyInHeels

Great Quotes

Nicole — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 22:31:34 +0000

The following excerpt was taken from “New Hope for People with Bipolar Disorder” written by Jan Fawcett, M.D., Bernard Golden, PH.D., and Nancy Rosenfeld (pg 17)

“Kay Jamison writes about her own experience with the illness. “I honestly believe that as a result of it I have felt more things, more deeply; had more experiences, more intensely; loved more, and been more loved; laughed more often for having cried more often; appreciated more… seen the finest and most terrible in people, and slowly learned the values of caring, loyalty, and seeing things through… But, normal or manic, I have run faster, thought faster, and loved faster than most I know… It has made me test the limits of my mind.

Extremes of emotions are a gift-the capacity to be passionately involved in life, to care deeply about things, to feel hurt; a lot of people don’t have that. It’s the transition in and out of the highs and lows, the constant contrast that fosters creativity. Impairment, the inability to function normally, does not occur until after the hypomanic stage has progressed into full blown mania.”

Crazy Reactions

Nicole — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 22:56:08 +0000

I can now look back at the crazy girl I was un-medicated and laugh. I was one CrazyInHeels girl (ok, so I still am)! I remember when I was such a drama queen. Every little thing that happened to me was a BIG deal. Let’s take for instance the on more than one occasion I have cried because I can’t find the right shirt to wear. Oh my goodness, who does that? I would get this feeling in my body that was of pure frustration. I would get so mad that I would seriously just start ripping clothes off of the hanger only to throw them onto the floor, while crying, over something so silly. I can’t begin to put into words how my body used to feel. It’s as if all emotions had taken over and I just wanted to scream. I was irrational and extremely emotional The feeling would start in the pit of my stomach and work its way all the way up my body until it would come out of my eyes in tears, the whaling around of my arms, and possibly throwing something (yes, I was totally nuts). It’s a strong feeling of udder and complete frustration mixed with a little bit of anger, not a good combo! I’m happy to report that now that I’m medicated I have a normal response to stress i.e. finding the right shirt to wear,very stressful… a girls gotta look good :p I’m able to cope with the minor details of life without losing my mind, and ransacking a room! Does anyone know what I’m talking about? – XOXO CrazyInHeels