Posts Tagged ‘Cry’

My body is tired even though I slept for ten hours last night. Just a few weeks ago I could run all day on three hours. I received an email from a friend and it made me tired just to think about my response. I’ve had three caffeinated beverages and my eyes are still half way shut. All the life has been sucked from my body. I try to go through the motions but it wears me down. All I want to do is sleep with the hope that when I wake up I’ll be back to normal, so far I’ve been let down every morning. I try to keep my positive thoughts in place. Life can be hard when you’re crazy, the all dreaded horrible mood is inevitable, but if you educate yourself and consult your therapist you will learn that there are things you can do to help yourself. For instance, I don’t have any major converstationss with my fiance that have to do with major life changes i.e. wedding decisions, where we’re going to live, financial decisions, etc. I’m fully aware that I’m crazy, sensitive, and irarional at the current moment so I’m not even going to attempt a serious conversation. I also know that I’m highly combative so if I start to get mad at someone I try to take a step back and put those feelings on hold so that I can deal with them once these “crazy” feelings subside. Since I’ve communicated to those closest to me that I’m feeling very “crazy” right now, they are more prepared to deal with me when I’m mad, sad, angry, frustrated, crying… etc. I’ve made an appointment with my doctor to review my meds, getting sleep, and taking time for my myself. These are all things that I can control to help get me back to me, I’m just going to have to hang on till I’m back to me. – XOXO CrazyInHeels

Today I feel like there’s hope for my mood to return to a somewhat “normal” status. I know the good mood is there and I can ALMOST reach out and grab it. The meds are kicking in. Just the feeling of kowing that I’m close is what’s getting me through the day. I meet with my doc in a couple of days to adjust my meds and I know it’ll be even better after that. I wish I could run right into my her office and get an IV of meds shot right into veins for instant happiness. If only it were that easy! I know it sounds cliche but I’ve lost interest in the things that I love, I’m sad, I cry for no reason, I sleep all the time, I’m not talking to my friends, I’m tired and have no energy. I’ve crashed into depression and am trying to climb my way out of it. – XOXO CrazyInHeels

The following excerpt was taken from “New Hope for People with Bipolar Disorder” written by Jan Fawcett, M.D., Bernard Golden, PH.D., and Nancy Rosenfeld (pg 17)

“Kay Jamison writes about her own experience with the illness. “I honestly believe that as a result of it I have felt more things, more deeply; had more experiences, more intensely; loved more, and been more loved; laughed more often for having cried more often; appreciated more… seen the finest and most terrible in people, and slowly learned the values of caring, loyalty, and seeing things through… But, normal or manic, I have run faster, thought faster, and loved faster than most I know… It has made me test the limits of my mind.

Extremes of emotions are a gift-the capacity to be passionately involved in life, to care deeply about things, to feel hurt; a lot of people don’t have that. It’s the transition in and out of the highs and lows, the constant contrast that fosters creativity. Impairment, the inability to function normally, does not occur until after the hypomanic stage has progressed into full blown mania.”

I can now look back at the crazy girl I was un-medicated and laugh. I was one CrazyInHeels girl (ok, so I still am)! I remember when I was such a drama queen. Every little thing that happened to me was a BIG deal. Let’s take for instance the on more than one occasion I have cried because I can’t find the right shirt to wear. Oh my goodness, who does that? I would get this feeling in my body that was of pure frustration. I would get so mad that I would seriously just start ripping clothes off of the hanger only to throw them onto the floor, while crying, over something so silly. I can’t begin to put into words how my body used to feel. It’s as if all emotions had taken over and I just wanted to scream. I was irrational and extremely emotional The feeling would start in the pit of my stomach and work its way all the way up my body until it would come out of my eyes in tears, the whaling around of my arms, and possibly throwing something (yes, I was totally nuts). It’s a strong feeling of udder and complete frustration mixed with a little bit of anger, not a good combo! I’m happy to report that now that I’m medicated I have a normal response to stress i.e. finding the right shirt to wear,very stressful…  a girls gotta look good :p I’m able to cope with the minor details of life without losing my mind, and ransacking a room! Does anyone know what I’m talking about?  – XOXO CrazyInHeels