I remember when the doctor said to me “I think you’re Bipolar and I’m going to need to prescribe you medication”. I was at work and had gone into to the back room so no one could hear my conversation with the doctor. I had called the doctor’s office earlier that day as I felt like I was close to “losing my mind” (if you’re Bipolar I’m sure you know that feeling of being on the edge of insanity, about to lose your mind). I was in a panic. I was extremely emotional and full of agitation and frustration. I wanted to throw the phone through the big glass window with every new ring. Everything that everybody said, every time someone called my name, anytime anyone had a question I wanted to scream and start hysterically crying, as if that would somehow help. My emotions were all over the place. I was happy then sad then mad then frustrated then mad then back to sad. It was a horrible day! 

Of course this day of all days was the day that my psychologist of 15 yrs was on vacation, yes… in the midst of my mental breakdown… of course! One of the doctors on call returned my call. I was surprised that she could understand anything I was saying because I was sobbing the whole time running through the last few weeks of my life that had led up to this psychotic break.

I was going through many different transitions in my life at the time. I was FINALLY breaking loose from my strong addiction to drugs, self medicating as I have come to understand, letting go of “unhealthy” friends, ending a three year relationship, starting my “grown up job”, and embarrassingly moving back home at the ripe old age of 24, aren’t you supposed to stay out after you move out?!

After learning about my “crazy” disease I can now look back on my life and see when the symptoms began. As early as high school I can remember being depressed. My mother sent me to a therapist (the same one I use today, love her!) and she prescribed me some antidepressant but I didn’t want to take it. It was embarrassing back then if you were depressed, no one talked about it like they do today. So I did what any smart and sassy teenage girl would do… not listen!!!! I didn’t take the meds and went on with my life.

At the same time I was also struggling with ADHD but for some reason no one ever diagnosed me with this. It was a constant struggle to get through the day. I didn’t do well in school. This confused me because I tried so hard to study but couldn’t remember a darn thing when it came time to take the test. It was so hard to pay attention to the teachers. If they said something about the color red I was thinking of stilettos. If they said something about reading a novel I would think about Cosmo Magazine. If they were talking science I was thinking fashion. When certain words were spoken that caught my attention I took them into my own world and went off into a totally different planet .I’ve come to understand that those of us that are “crazy” are also diagnosed with ADHD. Yes, I’m totally nuts and loaded with meds, what can you do?!

I definitely had mania symptoms. I had an addiction that I would prefer not to talk about just yet (that will come out later). My life was consumed by this and I had no regard for consequences! It was all I thought about. One day I just stopped doing it and didn’t look back. It’s almost as if I was a different person for a little bit.

Somehow I made it out of high school, barely, and into college. It was hard for me to get up and go to class every day. It was serious torture to sit through an entire class. I couldn’t sit still, I couldn’t pay attention, and again my mind was wondering into my own thoughts. I would try to study but that was a lost cause. I lost interest in school because it seemed like a waste of valuable time. Why would I want to continue to study if it had no benefits, I still wasn’t doing well with my grades. The constant failure was completely frustrating and damaging to my confidence. I felt like I was stupid and fit the “blonde” stereotype.

After one year of college I had given up and moved back home, not good for my pride. My self confidence had plummeted and I was sinking more into depression. I moved into my own apartment and got a job. This is when I started to drink and have a good time, living the life being young and having fun. I started dating a guy that introduced me to marijuana (weed, hash… call it what you want). This was definitely the gateway drug. I was raised in private schools up until I went to college. Drugs never crossed my mind and I judged those that tried it. I never thought this was something I would do, but I did. I ended up jobless and moving back home with my mom only to move back out a few months later with one of my girlfriends. It was here that I started my downward spiral right into a complete “crazy” mania episode.

This is the time I met my fiancé. We dated for a few months before I got involved with the drugs. Once I started doing the drugs I became a different person and that’s when the problems started. I had no regard for anyone’s feelings but my own. I was high all the time. I did coke for two weeks straight without anyone knowing only to wind up in the ER. I thought I was having a heart attack but I it turned out to be just an anxiety attack… go figure! I remember talking with the doctor explaining to him that I probably had an addiction problem. He advised me to talk to my family (yea right!). I went home later that day thinking I really wasn’t going to do drugs again, not the case.

Brian had come over after school one day only to find me completely high lying by the pool… by myself (not a good sign when you’re doing drugs by yourself). He was extremely worried and upset and decided that it was too much for him to help me by himself so he called my mother. I have never been so scared in my life. The only thing that I remember from that conversation is her saying very sternly “I went through this with your father and I’m not going to go through this with you!!! She wasn’t abandoning me; she was telling me that she was determined to get me through it so I didn’t end up like him.

Extremely long story short I continued to do A LOT of drugs. I did the fun party drugs, never tried meth or heroin, so don’t get that idea! Brian and I’s relationship was so up and down, on and off. I put him through hell on earth. I was nice then mean, wanted a relationship then wanted out of the relationship. I would yell, scream, fight, and throw things. I would cry hysterically and laugh the next minute. I would call all the time one week and the next week I wouldn’t pick up the phone. I was not a nice person, the drugs and mania had taken over. I was a different person, a crazy wild party girl that was self medicating.

After a couple years of serious partying I decided that it was time to pull myself together. I moved back in with my mom (a good thing at the time) I get a good steady job, was single, and surrounded by good people. I had parted ways with my “drug” life. I eventually started feeling better about myself and the things I was doing. It was at this time that I began to accept that I was “Crazy” and needed meds to help me stay sane. As I pulled myself together emotionally I felt well enough to have my now fiancé back in my life. Once we were together again things were good, almost. I went through a small spat of Mania and then right into the manic. I wasn’t depressed just a total bit%$. I went back to the doctor and begged for something to help me feel like somewhat of a normal person. After a long path of trial & error with various medications I was off to a good start again.

Since then my life has been an absolutely fabulous experience. I feel “normal”. I feel like I’m not so all over the place. My fiancé has told me numerous times that our friends have mentioned how “grown up” I seem, now, they of course had no idea what had been going on in my crazy mind before. I embrace who I am now and where I’m going. I’m happy to be me. I’m not ashamed of what’s going on with me because it’s where I’m at today that matters, not what I did yesterday, the day before, or years ago. Everyone makes mistakes it’s what you do with them and what you learn from them that matters.

I want to share my story with anyone that will listen in hopes that I can help at least one other person. We’re not alone and you should love yourself for everything you are!!!! Embrace every “crazy” part of yourself!!!