In order for me to help others recognize the early warning signs of the “crazy” disease I’m going to have to divulge a lot of personal information regarding my former un-medicated life. Please keep in mind that these stories are taken from my not so proud, not so smart, not such a good idea file and this is definitely a former CrazyInHeels gal… so please don’t hold it against me! I told you I would be real and honest…

I have read in many books and heard from a few therapists that this “crazy” disease often comes with an addiction to drugs, cocaine seems to be the drug of choice. This would be our brilliant idea of self medicating.  I preferred the drugs that make me love more, feel more, and dance more. My gateway drug was marijuana. This opened my eyes to a whole new world. Once you try one the others don’t seem as scary. The drugs made me feel like a brand new person. I was depressed and didn’t have any energy, but with the drugs I was more outgoing, had more energy, and had more fun. It put a mask over all of the pain I was feeling inside. The depression and lack of energy was gone, temporarily. When I was high I didn’t have to think about all of the things that I hated about myself and all of the things that had happened to me in my past (I went through a very traumatic experience as a child, my parents divorced, and I had an absent father). I knew something was wrong but the drugs pushed away the awkward feelings I was having. They were a source of happiness for me in some weird way.

The drugs pulled me out of my manic depression and then pushed me right into a mania state of mind. I was all over the place. I was out at the clubs every night of the week. I was a social butterfly and full of confidence, with the help of the drugs. I had a lot of energy and the drugs added even more. I slept all day and partied all night. I felt great (or so I thought), like I was superwomen that could conquer the world, but my sense of reality was warped. I remember dancing around my living room to Britney Spears with a Mickey’s 40 in one hand and a line of coke waiting on the table, and this was on a Tuesday afternoon… who does that?! I picked up a smoking habit which is totally out of character. The drugs made me feel fabulous, so I did what any girl would do… kept partying. I had a martini in one hand and a bag of goodies in the other. I didn’t have a conscience I would lie, cheat, and steal. I had no sense of consequences for my actions, I simply didn’t care. I was outside the realm of reality and I was incapable of rationalizing or thinking clearly. I was hurting those that loved me and essentially hurting myself. I put my fiancé, family, and friends through hell but I didn’t care. I was losing my friends, money, job, apartment and most importantly the love of my life.

After the mania subsided I slipped back into a depression again and lived a very sad life for while. I lost everything and had moved back in with my mom. I had to start all over. I stopped the drugs, got a new job, made new friends, went to church, and focused on being happy with who I was. I snapped out of my depression and lived a normal life for a few months. After a while I was finally happy, but then I started to get too happy, if that’s possible. The feelings I was having were euphoric. I was so happy with myself and who I was growing into. I had enough energy to go into work early and stay late. I needed less and less sleep. I was a strong, confident, successful, and independent beautiful woman, and for once I actually believed it. These feelings continued for a few months and then like all good things, it came to an end.

My mood became angry and agitated. I would constantly wake up in a bad mood for absolutely no reason at all. I was a total bit%$ to those around me. Everything that happened to me was a BIG deal, a reason for me to bit%$ about something else. I was a negative, irrational, crazy girl that cried all the time (don’t I sound fun to be around?!). There was no rationalizing with me. I was only focused on my feelings and I honestly felt like everyone  was out to get me and no one was on my side. I was extremely combative and when I would get upset I would yell, scream, and cry. I blew EVERYTHING out of proportion.

I was prescribed another medication to help with my mood. I had one med to help with depression and one med to help with what I like to call my bit%$ side. My life is definitely more manageable now. I still have my ups and downs, as you can clearly see with all of my postings, but they are nowhere near as bad as they used to be. I’ve been through many years of therapy and many different meds to finally find what works for me. I’ve learned what my triggers are and how to handle them. I’ve learned to think rationally and have a somewhat normal response to all of the crazy situations life brings us. –XOXO CrazyInHeels